This autoethnographic account examines the tensions and contradictions of engaging in peace work through academic writing as a Russian citizen who opposes Putin’s regime and its war in Ukraine. It grapples with the discomfort of writing about Ukrainian suffering while carrying the weight of Russian identity; being partially Ukrainian while recognizing the responsibility of also being from an aggressor state. This narrative is punctuated by the in-between moments—those where tenacious hope and ever-present despair are felt simultaneously and where the pursuit of justice coexists with exhaustion, emptiness, and doubt. It explores the emotional, ethical, and intellectual struggles of navigating these contradictions. Using Lederach’s (2005) framework of moral imagination, the account reflects on the roles of relationship, curiosity, creativity, and risk in negotiating this complex moral and emotional terrain of writing in hope to promote peace. It seeks to illuminate how the oscillation between motivation and despair, clarity and confusion—so common for peace work—shapes my ongoing search for a way forward as a human being, a citizen, and an academic.